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its a wedding massacre

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June 22nd, 2007 at 3:30am]

MY NEW LJ  ===== spacecadetamy

MY NEW LJ  ===== spacecadetamy

MY NEW LJ  ===== spacecadetamy

panda pile!

shurgiddy shurgiddy [Thursday
November 30th, 2006 at 11:42am]
[ mood | apathetic ]

what am i sayin?
im sayin it.
thats what im sayin.
you know what im sayin?

what am i feelin?
im feelin it.
thats what im feelin.
you feel me?


work is carazay.

you get drunk and i'll chase you around..... wow i miss so many things right now. i think i have a missing-things issue. or like im remembering what i lost so long ago and im like shit, i never took the time to find it again. because im too busy with work and working on my novel and fucking your mom.

my life has been crushed, to bejeezus and back.

1 jumped on the
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October 9th, 2006 at 11:30am]
rest in peace



panda pile!

September 16th, 2006 at 3:09pm]
what I meant to say :: "cockroaches have been around since dinosaurs and haven't changed at all."
what I said :: "cockroaches are dinosaurs."

i hate myself.
4 jumped on the
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September 13th, 2006 at 11:45am]
[ mood | blank ]

Some things that I was convinced would never happen to me have revealed themselves in my life. I wonder what went wrong. Was it the music, the people, the thrill, the need to feel as though I fit in? The first time I smoked pot, she told me to inhale to my stomach, so I did, and the pipe started to get warmer. She smiled at me, and I liked that smile. It was the smile that told me that I was reborn, that I was a new breed of myself. It was my chance to turn cool.

I tiptoed across the line between good and evil, and I was about to live in a world separate from the one around me. It was like this secret dimension that you could only see if you swallowed something or smoked something, or if you were drunk and looking at the water in the toilet, seeing a reflection of yourself that you had never seen before.

I am convinced that mirrors are liars. I could spend hours in my room, frowning at the crook in my nose or my stomach hanging over my belt. I could apply layer after layer of mascara and smeay on lipstick and pat my face down with powder to conceal my impurities, but it would never seep into my flesh and beautify the ghosts underneath.

I was never healed-- I have never been healed. This is more than a chemical imbalance or a bi-polar disorder or being obsessive compulsive, which is all that doctors see me as. This is a bloody war inside myself that nobody can see if I smile wide enough or bat my eyes. This is a massacre of angels and demons that I carry with me in the pit of my stomach, and I feel their swords and arrows piercing my insides. But I know that if I hold my breath long enough, if I shut my eyes and feel the pill slide down my throat, I will be numb for long enough to ignore them.

At this point, I do not know who is winning. I do not know the casualty count. Sometimes I can feel the bodies of dead angels evaporating into the air all around me, and I seem them all bloodied and bruised and I know who is in the lead. I know who is victorious that day, and I drown out that sick realization in whiskey or sex, or I throw money at someone and say, "Give it to me now. I know you have it."

I think that the only thing I have right now is music. Music will never cut you in half. It will never rip your heart out of your chest and shove it back in backwards. When I sit behind the drums, I am sitting on a throne. I am finally the queen of my own subconscious and the battle halts in my wake. They put down their weapons, and my body is at peace. But when I put down the drumsticks and slide up into the seclusion of my room, the war rages on.

Am I going to die like this?

4 jumped on the
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September 12th, 2006 at 11:19am]
[ mood | loved ]

im in a good mood.

buechel is ok.

i pierced nix's nose this weekend, and it was probably the funniest thing on the planet. i made her lay down in amber's lap because i thought she was going to go into an epilleptic seizure, and i had to pierce her at least about three times. the first time, she gushed blood. she laid there, then goes, "am i bleeding?" i shook my head and said, "no." blood was everywhere.

4 jumped on the
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September 8th, 2006 at 6:37pm]
[ mood | indescribable ]

when things like this happen, they dont always seem like a big deal to other people. but it sort of engulfes me, and i just want to drop everything else and focus on this one thing, this one event, that has me in a grip. i dont want to fight it, i dont want to try to get away. i filter all the memories and remember the good ones, and act like the bad ones never happened. im really good at supressing my own memory if i want to be.

and now im remembering which perfume i always wore when i saw you, and i want to cry.

1 jumped on the
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September 4th, 2006 at 12:55am]
[ mood | drunk ]

burns me up just to know
just to know
i cant be there now
five disc random in my house
with a bottle in my mouth
and my friends are lunatics
they are dancing with their ears
to the speakers now

burns me up just to know
just to know i cant be there now
with his whiskey
his cd's
and his friends on the couch

i want the best for my friends
but im a bad influence
i drink too much
yeah, im a slut
don't mean that im a villain

i think i pretty much love whiskey. i think its true. i do i do.

1 jumped on the
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August 29th, 2006 at 11:41am]
[ mood | confused. ]

i am thinking about when i was little and i sang in church. i was about 8, maybe, at the most. there were a bunch of us little kids, scared to death of singing in front of the maximum thirty people that attended that tiny church.

i sang. some silly little verse that i didnt know what "cattle are lowing" meant, or what "thou" was supposed to refer to. i just sang it, in this tiny, minute monotone voice, clasping my hands behind my back like they told me to. they told me to look professional.

look professional? what the fuck? i was a little kid.

i wasn't supposed to be up there. i didnt know what i was doing. neither did the kids surrounding me, all picking their noses and waiting for their turn. i dressed up like an angel, i knew that much. i just knew that angels wore white.

in sunday school, we tried to act religious. we acted somber, deep in thought, solitary. we knew moses took animals. we never stopped to think, "how did he get all those animals in there?" or "how did all that water eventually drain out?" or "did the animals reproduce on the ark?" or "wouldnt it smell awful?"

we were naive and beautiful little children. everything was right to us. there was no need for explanation, understanding, comprehension. just a slew of words, phrases going into our ears and settling satisfactorily in our minds. just a bunch of water colors splashed onto each other, and it somehow made a perfect picture, no matter how you looked at it. we didn't bother to scrub some pieces away to see what was underneath. we loved it anyway. we loved what we saw.

i want to know the truth. i want to understand. with all the sins ive committed, do i have a right to go back to my sunday school teacher and say, "I have a feeling you lied". you can't take these beautiful things back. the perfection and simplicity of being a child is gone forever. it is not ever EVER coming back. NEVER.

6 jumped on the
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August 27th, 2006 at 9:59pm]
[ mood | cheerful ]

i went to ohio today to visit my grandma. she had quadruple bypass surgery on her heart, and she was under heavy sedation.

i showed her a picture of tim. i said, "do you know who that is?"
she looked at the picture for a while, her eyes half shut, then she shook her head no.
i said, "this is tim."
she thought about it for a while, saw that i was in the picture next to him, then used all her strength to say, ".... another one??"



the way she said it made me feel like such a slut. hahahahaha. at least she was under sedation.

panda pile!

August 26th, 2006 at 11:39am]
[ mood | chipper ]

a sequel to the infamous "jedi song"?

i got a degree
in light saber melee

i took an advanced course
in mastering the force

which path do i embark?
the light or the dark?

now im on my own
and im all alone

ill just drink juma at the cantina
do a table dance with princess leia
im the baddest fucking jedi knight
get trashed at anchorhead every goddam night

biggest player haters
are tuskan raiders

on tattooine on the ground
was where i was found

took me to their tribe
and tortured me alive

unarmed combat, im at a loss
so i get out my lightsaber

ill just drink juma at the cantina
do a table dance with princess leia
im the baddest fucking jedi knight
get trashed at anchorhead every goddam night

the council told me
im no longer their homie

"youre outta control
get the fuck out that door"

they took my lightsaber
said they're doing me a favor

"you embarass yourself
drinking is bad for your health"

so i'll just drink juma at the cantina
do a table dance with princess leia
im the baddest fucking jedi knight
get trashed at anchorhead every goddam night

3 jumped on the
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August 26th, 2006 at 11:18am]
[ mood | cranky ]

death wont make death cease
death wont make death right
death wont give the living
back their stolen lives

i do not like this war.

panda pile!

August 24th, 2006 at 11:39am]
dont eat for days.
1 jumped on the
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all my homies and my niggas say whaaaaaa [Wednesday
August 23rd, 2006 at 10:54pm]
[ mood | confused ]

ive been listening to kerplunk! and insomniac all day, and i remember why ive loved green day for about four years.

this is beautiful--
ive got a knack for fucking everything up
my temper flies and i get myself all wound up

i love them. i dont care if they "sold out" or look ...

oh hold on tim is calling...

ok. or look stupid with eyeliner on. anyway, that train of thought is dead now...

something is wrong with my grandma. im kind of confused. my mom just up and left today to go to ohio and we havent heard from her since. my grandma is having heart problems. im really confused. and im really scared.

but i dont want to talk about that anymore. work was ok today. we got out earlier than we usually do. nix took a picture of bardstown road and shopped it up and it looks amazing and i love it and she gave it to me and ive been looking at it all day.

frylock:: wait, who utilized?
cybernetic robot of christmas past from the future:: well, wouldnt you like to know? maybe your momma.

athf is amazing. it is therapeutic. it makes me joyous. my next entry will probably be in a few minutes with nothing but athf quotes so we can all smile.

2 jumped on the
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August 21st, 2006 at 9:47pm]
[ mood | reflective ]

this is kind of depressing, reading all these journal entries of these kids going to college and being really sappy about it. they miss high school so much, so it seems.

and here i am. so close to dropping out. so close to saying FUCK IT to proms and games and other stupid fucking high school shit. but it sounds like so much fun. but i feel like i just missed my chance. because im just sort of. . . gone.

if i go to college, IF, which i probably wont, what will i have to say in my super sappy good-bye entry? "Yeah, I had a job. I didn't have a boyfriend for 9+ months. Bye, Louisville."

i dont know why i just want to quit at things im not good at. i just dont want to have to face it. i want to convince myself that im a well-rounded person. but wow. i just dont know. i like running away from things no matter how scary the journey might be to escape it.

so there went drugs. there went alcohol. there went sex. and there went running away from home.

i am thinking back on the wreck that happened about 19 hours ago. how scary it was, sliding over that thing, seeing jen out of the corner of my eye and wanting to grab her and make sure she was ok, but only feeling my own head smash into the window. i am thinking about how close we were to the sign, and how somebody somewhere has mercy on me.

my parents went all the way over there to get us. they never met jen. they didnt care. they just wanted to find their baby girl and make sure she was ok. the first thing they said was "are you ok?". i was expecting some yelling, some tears, some flooding anger or something equally metaphorical. but they were fine.

my mom started joking with me and jen. my dad fixed jen's car. read that. the dad that used to be so violent and terrifying got on his hands and knees with his bad back to fix a stranger's car, because they knew that i cared about her.

and tim came over. straight over. straight from steak n shake still in his apron and bowtie all the way to new albany indiana to find us. he took care of us. and we spent time together today. it is alright. what will come will come.

things just happen so fast, and you dont have time to soak it in and love it. how lucky are we that the stars dont fall down? i want to kiss every star and thank it for not letting go.

panda pile!

August 21st, 2006 at 1:21pm]
[ mood | shocked ]

oh my god.

me and jen got in a wreck. we were coming back from john's house and we got lost, and what we did at john's didn't help any at all. we were so disoriented and so lost. i called my brother for directions (it was like two or three in the morning) and he was like "im hanging up because im sleepy". so i yelled at him and hung up on him and called my mom. anyway, we finally figured out where we were going, and then there was this median. four lanes.

i said jen jen scoot over and she did, but not far enough, and we couldnt see the fucking median and we flew up onto that mother fucker and slid on the belly of the car for about 75 feet. i just remember saying fuck fuck fuck and my head hitting the window and seeing this bright stop sign getting closer and closer.

a foot more, and we wouldve hit that sign, and her car is so bad that we probably wouldve died.

i called tim crying and he shows up like fifteen or twenty minutes later. just to make sure we were ok. i totally didnt ask him to come or anything. he just did, and it was the best feeling ever. im really not sure about him. i dont know.

my dad is an airline mechanic, so he knew how to fix the car. the tow guy was no help at all. so since my dads back is bad, tim switched up the tires and was on the ground for the longest time helping us fix it. then he took me home and i cooked for him and my family and they ate and he went home.

i just dont know.

it was a crazy ass night. im so glad im alive.

2 jumped on the
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August 20th, 2006 at 2:01am]
[ mood | blank ]

wow ok wtf, mate??

tim came over tonight for a while. i just wow ok wtf, mate??


wtf, mate??

1 jumped on the
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August 18th, 2006 at 1:16pm]
if we were vh1, behind the music, it would be something like this...

(commentator in a deep, husky voice)
"They started out with no musical knowledge, no direction, no voice. Driven solely by passion and living as the epitome of 'outcast', they grabbed guitars and drumsticks and did the only thing they ever knew how to do -- be different. Girl bands were slowly emerging from the punk rock genre. They were girls with nice boobies and big asses and pretty hair. But these three ladies liked poop and pee and Barbie dolls."
"My brother, Shane, made me want to play guitar. I'd sit in my room and listen to him, and it just sat there in my body and grew and I knew at that moment that it was all I wanted to do for the rest of my life."
"Jazzy's brother and my brother, Joseph, jammed together all the time. Jazzy and I ate it up. We wanted to rebel. We wanted to be different from all the other girls. We wanted to start a revolution just for ourselves."
"Amy and Jazzy bought guitars and when they got together, all they did was strum along aimlessly. They'd write songs with no direction." (In the background, 'Punk Song' plays) "In the beginning, Amy and Jazzy had been close friends. They did everything together. Amy got her period for the first time and Jazzy went into the bathroom and gave Amy the phone so that she could call her mom and scream."
"Amy had a massive period."
(Katie-- friend of Amy)
"Jazzy and Amy were inseperable. They practically grew up together. They were the same person."
"When Amy was in 7th grade, a year ahead of Jazzy, they decided to seriously cracking down on music. When D chords and G chords wouldn't suffice, they began learning cover songs. When the Westport Middle School talent show neared, they knew that they had to be part of it. It was their time to shine."
"I got my friend Amber to play the bass. We didn't know each other as well as I did with Jazzy, but there was always that spark there. We played a cover song of Green Day with me on guitar, Amber on bass, and Jazzy singing. It was amazing. We blew them away."
"A year ahead of Amber and Amy, Amber's cousin Ashley was stuck behind a drum set. They played only three times together and accumulated rythm and beat. They absorbed the music. They had orgies. They absorbed the orgies. They went from calling themselves 'The Cool Kids' as a joke, which the popular Louisville music scene thought was a serious name. They were constantly made fun of by scene kids talking about how cool they thought they were. When the girls busted out as Generic, things changed."
"We had to kick Ashley out of the band because she was dragging behind. Amy's brother played the drums, and she'd sit upstairs and just listen to him play. She learned by ear. I guess the rest is history."
"Then a nuclear bomb came down and killed all three of them and communists came and took all their stuff. They will ever remain in history as some titties and ass. Legendary."
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August 15th, 2006 at 11:30am]
[ mood | drained ]

Image hosted by Photobucket.com

me and the katie.

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August 11th, 2006 at 11:16am]
[ mood | amused ]

going shopping with jennifer from work and her little boy, blake. im excited.

tim. me. walk-in freezer.

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